Truly, there are a lot of kids that, for whatever reason, find themselves displaced. Having been one of them myself, I know that it is no picnic. I will go so far as to say that not all people who foster or adopt kids have altruistic intentions. Here’s the thing though, a kid who has suffered through early pain and trauma has developed a heightened sense of awareness. It is like a trigger is pulled with their fight or flight response. Call it what you will, but it put me into survival mode and had a very negative impact both on my mental health as well as my development. Trust must be earned.
I know that some will take the stance that, “you are just lucky that I took you in”. Trust me, most do not feel lucky; even if rescued from what you might think are terrible circumstances. They are not life’s lottery winners, and if you are not willing to put the work into a relationship with them, you will fail and do more harm to them than good. Once again, trust must be earned.
Stil others will try to impose the stance of, “my way or the highway”. Keep in mind that they now find themselves on at least their second “way” already. They already come from a background of established rules and norms. Ultimatums will in most cases; frustrate them. If I failed to mention it before; trust must be earned.
Yet one more approach would be that of, “I am going to straighten you out”. The implication being that they are a “bad kid”. They may be scarred. They may be damaged. They may have psychological or emotional pain; but they are not inherently “bad”. They most likely come from a different set of norms than what you might be used to but to judge them as “bad” implies that you have claimed a seat of moral superiority over them. If you are not willing to at least understand their perspective, then you will never connect with them. Oh yeah; trust must be earned.
At the risk of oversimplification, you can either make a positive or a negative impact if you choose to foster or adopt. It is crucial to assume the role of “coach” and “mentor”, for the sake of the child’s overall development as well as relationship building with them. People tend to nurture and prioritize the relationships they value most; and a child in this situation needs to feel valued. I don’t know if this is taught by governmental and adoption agencies but coming from the perspective of someone who has been there, I would say that it is paramount.