Dear Misplaced:
I know that change is difficult. Unless you were a baby when you went to live in your foster or adoptive home, you have memories of that past family culture; it shaped who you are. You will find that in many cases however; those very familiar habits conflict with your new situation. Those established routines, behaviors, and language that were once tolerated, will now be frowned upon.
If you have read my earlier post entitled “Many Snowflakes”, a sudden move into a foster home created both confusion and conflict for me. I came from a home where swearing and foul language were quite common. It was a cultural norm that I had been hearing and speaking since I learned to talk. My new foster parents, however, were both educators, and my established means of communication was not compatible with their morals or standards. Those colorful sentence enhancers that I thought nothing about using were usually met with very harsh disciplined. At times, I am sure that my foster then adoptive parents were appalled, even if that was not my intention.
Mealtime was a huge stressor for me as I came from a situation where I pretty much ate when I was hungry, with no established dining times. My diet consisted of very cheap and basic menu items like; peanut butter sandwiches, mac and cheese, and hotdogs. When a plate with Hamburger Helper was put in front of me, I had never been served anything like it before. The one thing I learned from this first meal in my new situation was not to feed it to the dog under the table; or at least don’t get caught doing it. Caught in the act, tried, convicted, and punishment within a span of five minutes. Oh well, at least I made friends with the new dog.
Looking back, I wish I could have told my foster then adoptive parents to be patient and explain things; then realize that I would not assimilate to the new culture overnight. I could have plead for and expected empathy but then again; how could they possibly know what it felt like to have to make wholesales changes in such a short amount of time?
If I were to give you some helpful advice when going into a new home, I would say to ask a lot of questions. This situation is probably a little strange to your new keepers as well, and the ability to communicate and reason are key to you being able to fit in. I am not saying that you have not been doing most of the giving in a give-take relationship but keep the dialog open. It is the only way for them to learn to understand you. Keep in mind though, if they have no interest in your voice, then they do not value you as a person.
You will miss your old life a lot at first; I know I did. Even after the death of my birth mom, and all my siblings were scattered, I yearned for the comfort of that old familiar feeling. I needed time to grieve not only the death of the person who meant so much to me but the death of that family unit and culture as well. For me, it was a total loss, and it did not help that the people who had control over me didn’t even acknowledge or see it. So yes, I know what you are feeling right now, and those feelings are very much alright. Have no guilt in your grief; you are entitled. Even if some of the things you came from were not so good, they are very much tied to the person you have become. Feel your grief and learn to give that what you have lost a proper burial. It’s time to adapt and move on.
Keep in mind that most around you have not grown as strong as you have from the experience. That experience alone holds more power than you realize. You are both stronger and wiser because of it. Your vision has cleared, and you are now better equipped; even if you are a little scarred and broken. It is your edge, not your burden; and you are nobody’s victim.
Until next week….be strong and courageous!
-Patrick