Underneath my adoptive father’s side of the bed was a stack of magazines. As a younger child, I really didn’t think that much about their content. As a teenager however, I needed to write a report on a magazine article, so I thought it would be alright if I could find anything interesting in dad’s magazine pile. I knew we had a subscription to Newsweek and certainly found at least of couple of those under his side of the bed. The majority however were magazines called Oui, Penthouse, and Playboy.
As I curiously looked through the pages of these magazines, I began to experience building excitement. It’s not that I didn’t have these feelings randomly before when I was lying in bed in the morning, but the pictures and articles that were in these publications only heightened these feelings.
Also, something about what I was looking at felt very wrong on a logical and moral level but there was a part of me that yearned for even more. Why would a woman want to have pictures of her taken like that? It all seemed so wrong but then again, I didn’t know what exactly pornography was prior to my under-bed expedition. I did however know it had a strong appeal and an even stronger draw.
Sex talk came from my adoptive mother who did not really explain it all that well and definitely not from a biblical standpoint. It was never “not until you’re married”, but rather ‘when you feel you are ready”. That simple compromise gave permission to a whole host negative thought patterns and behaviors. Ones that would have come with a load of negative consequences.
The very presence of pornography confused me morally though. Mom and dad shared that bed and surely, she knew about it. Did this mean that she approved of him looking at other women? What about their marriage? What about their vows? I had been to enough weddings to understand that marriage meant fidelity, but this seemed to ignore the commitment altogether.
As I got into my high school years, mom had this type of content mailed directly to the house and even though it came in a brown paper wrapper to hide the title and contents, everyone knew what it was; me included. Certainly, porn was an established norm in our “Christian” household, we just never brought up the subject along with mom’s marital aid that she kept on their dresser and in plain sight. For years, she referred to it as a “back massager”, although I had no idea what the thing was used for until I was much older.
Reflection
Although I know that most kids get “the talk” when they hit puberty, sex was never explained to me all that well. Normal and healthy sexual relationships are quickly perverted by pornography, and it affects the perception of how a young man views young ladies. Not as sentient creatures but objects to be pursued for conquest. For most girls that I found cute though, being viewed like this, gave them the “ick”. Most girls, especially from my generation, liked attention from the boys but not on that level or in that way.
It’s not that adults are not entitled to enjoy intimacy in their own way, but for my adoptive parents to have their proclivities on full display, made that choice for me as well. Discussions on the topic were never educational but were more of an indoctrination into a world that granted permission to perversion and extramarital affairs. My adoptive father had multiple affairs, and it eventually ended their marriage. Oddly enough though, both ended up carrying on the same lifestyle with other partners. For all the pain and sorrow that their open marriage provided, neither became richer for the experience. Truly, it was their choice for themselves but why did I get drug into it? Pornographic content has a way of permanently etching itself into one’s spirit and psyche, and not in a good way.
I have struggled greatly with this issue but have concluded that this is their legacy and not mine. Still, the temptation is always there; even if I did not make the conscious decision to go there in the first place.